Da Feds Got Em

Da Feds Cut Em!

tm - 4/18/2011

Well, ya'all kinda know my feelin's bout 'thority already, so's I won't go inta dat, but wut they did ta muh Cubans jes don't set ri'aght, even afta awwll deze' days has gone by. It all bout happened in dat dere airport in Houston Texas when I got off my fli'aght and was wandrin' thru customs wit dem Cubans in ma backpack. They was good-uns too and I was s'pecting to smoke ever' last one, when's I had a chance to sit down on my backside in one a dem easy chairs and ru'lax a little. But first, I had ta get past them guvament folks at da gate.

It all started south of dat der border, when I was figurin' like. Figurin' on how was I goin' ta get dem Cubans 'cross dat border. I thunk long and hard 'afore I got on that big jet plane and flew to Houston. See, I jes dind't know what I should' a wore to convince dem der gov'ment agent men, the customs folks at the border, dat I wasn't bringing in nothin' contraband like. So I was t'inking dat if I got all dressed up Philadelphia lawyer like, that they'd pick me out of a crowd a rednecks faster than you could say 'kiss muh grits'. But if'n I looked like the cruiser I was, they might think I was holdin any ole ways. What's a good ole boy s'posed to do? So in the end, I decided to use dat der reverse sigh-cology like on em. I put on my best t'shirt, my best shorty legged britches wit dem pockets on da front and backside and my split toe flip flops. Off I flew to face dat der unknown all by my lonesome, ceptin' my Cubans.

Well suh, I got off dat jet plane and I was as tired as a hound dog on the back porch in the sun in the summer in Savannah. I was powerful hungry too. Fact is, I was so hungry dat I could see crippled biscuits on crutches dancin' in front a ma eyes, jes teasin' me sumpin terrible. But first, I had ta get past them guv'ament folks at da gate. Well, I's jes headin' dat way and minding my own self when that dirty, low down customs scoundel of a confiscatin nature spotted me from afar, and I 'spose he tinks to his self, “I's got one comin' my way”. And I was done in from da start. Sho nuff, that guvment agent man did dat profilin' ting, or sumpen like dat. He ain't got no call to look me dat way, specially cuz I was packin'. Yes suh, I was packin' dem Cubans dat I brung all de way from Guats'emala or sum such place like dat from way down sout' where smokin' dem bad boys wuz down ri'aght respectable for gentlemenly types like me.

Dem customs folks must a know'ed I was a comin', maybe cause some skunk smellin, mo'ron busted me to dem feds. Yes suh, dey most surely did. It surely wer'nt my shirt and shorts! Somebody musta told on me cuz I was packin dem Cubans and nothin' but my Swiss Army knife to de'fense myself wit. Ya'll know the kind. It's got one a dem dere toothpicks I's can use to clean my teeths after dinnah' and it's got dem scissors and dem dere 'city folk like' tweezers and it's even got a knife. Plenty sharp too. Yes suh, dey ain't no doubt, I was plumb pro'filed when I walked into dem customs folks in Houston.

Dat guvment man, he looks at me and he says, “where you coming from boy?”, real quick like, like they did'n know I was jes comin off'a duh plane. Well suh, I's told em I jes got off a plane that cum in from Guats'emala, or some such place like dat. Well, dat customs man he told me straight away to go thru dem doors, “right over there” he says. Den I started thinking that I had got my Cubans thru dat Houston gate, cuz I thought I was done wit dem folks. But dat weren't not tru', cuz dey only sent me tru dat door cuz dey wants to look tru all my luggage and muh back pack too. Now I's telling you'all right now, dat jes ain't ri'aght. I bought dem Cubans fair and square, but dem good ole boys was 'bout to tell me dat dey weren't not 'llowed in the good ole USA. Dey tried to trick me first though. They says, “you packin boy?”. Well, ya'all know dat one. If I says “yes”, they gonna look at my bags. But if I says 'no', they gonna look at my bags anyways and den I's be in big trouble if dey's find sumthin'. Dats why dey told me straightaway to 'go thru dem doors' in duh first place.

So I went thru dem doors and was kinda waiting in line and I don' mind tellin' you'all I wuz sho nuff getting a little nervous by then, and I kinda laughs like and says a da man “If you'all gonna nuke dem bags, be sure and tells me so I can stand back a ways”, cuz see, I was thinking they was gonna xray dem bags. Well dat word 'nuke' got der 'tention fuh some reason. So he looks at me kinda funny like and says, “What did you say?”, like I stuttered wen I said nuke or sometin'. So I 'xplains to em I didn't want to get 'xrayed along wit my bags, and he 'xplained right back dat they wasn't gonna be any 'xrays, he was gonna go through dem bags wit his hands and eyeballs, real close like. But he was prob'ly thinkin' I was gonna bring one a dem nuke like 'weapons-a-mass destruction' dey was looking for in Iraq but never did find, cuz ever'body knew dey wasn't any der in da first place. Well, most ever'body did ceptin' a few dunces in Washin'ton...

Well suh, dat guvment agent man, he plumb took my bags and re-arranged dem in so many pieces I wasn't sure if I'd evah could get dem back together like. And den right near the bottom, underneath all my dirty stinkin' laundry, and it did stink too, he found dem Cubans. And what a site dey was. All perfect like, long, brown and rolled so tight they was a beauty to behold with you'alls natural born eyeballs. Then he looks at me wit a blank face like and says, “where did you buy these?”, and I says all casual like, “well suh, I boughts dem all in Mexico “, cause I had heard it wasn't proper like for a free born fella from the US of A to buy dem Cubans in Cuba. So he says to me” Are they Cuban?”. So I sorta hemmed and hawed and says”well suh, I wasn't der when dey made em”. And he looks at me all funny like, maybe tinkin' I was be'in a smart ass or some such thing, but it was true. I wasn't der when dey made em. So he says to me then, “Well what does the label say?”, all smart alecky like. It was true dat da label said 'Cohiba' in big gold letters and 'Habana Cuba' in little black letters, kind'a suspicious like. I knowed den it was startin' to look kinda bad fer me and my Cubans and I though dey was 'bout to read me my ri'aghts or sometin' like dat. Stead, he looks at me kinda funny like and says he's gots to show his supa' visah who might not never a seen a genuine Cuban be'fo. Well der I stood, jes waitn' for da cuffs.

Den, dat supa' visah, he looks at me kinda important like and he says “Didn't you know it isn't legal to bring Cuban cigars into the USA”. Well, I'd heard dat rumor befo' but I didn't want to let on like so I says “well suh, I was trying to protect Social Security”. And he looks at me kinda suh'prised like he ain't nevah heard anything like dat be'fo and I says “yes suh, protect Social Security and Medicare too, cuz I heard dat smokin' makes ya die early from cancer like, and Social Security and Medicare won't have to spend so much for so long.” on me anyways. Well dat remark broke de tension like, but dey still wuzn't gonna let me get dem Cubans in the US of A. Ya jus can't carry dis freedom 'ting to far, else somebody might start believin' it's true like.

Dey told me den that I was gonna have to pay a fine or dey was gonna hav' to cut them Cubans inta pieces like. Well, I hated to cut dem Cubans, but I didn't want ta pay no fine neither. So I asks em, “if I pay da fine, can I keep de Cubans?”. I tell you folks ri'ahgt now I didn't like de way he looked at me den, but he says tuh me ” I'll have to check, but I believe you can”. So I'm thinkin' quick like now and says ”how much is dat fine?”, and he says ”$1000.00 per violation”, like mah Cohibas was a violatin' somebody or t'other. Well I had nine of dem der Cohibas and dey ain't no way I was gonna pay $9000.00 yankee dollars, so I says “well suh, we gonna have to cut them Cubans into pieces”, which dey did as I was watchin' wit tears in ma eyes, cuz it was gonna be a long time for I got mo Cubans like dem der Cohibas.

Yes suh, with tears tricklin' down from the corners of deze here eyes I stood dare and wondered why. Why dey wanna do me and ma Cohibas dat way? I asked dat dare guvment man and he says sumptin' bout “trading with the enemy law' or some such nonsense like dat dare. Well, I could see da enemy and he was standin' ri'aght in front of me cuttin' my Cohibas to shreds. It jes don't make sense to think of the Cubanos as enemies when as I recollect, it was us invaded dem, not da other way 'round. Course, dat dare guv'ment nevah did make much sense, lesson you was one a dem...